Twelve Steps
by Sardixiis
Summary: Co-written with MrMsMingus. Joan had feared it from the very beginning. Feared that Annie would follow down the same path she had taken. Now, after everything with Henry, those fears were growing. The road was a dark one, but if Annie did end up following it Joan knew just the person to help bring her back. Someone with experience. Joan herself.
1. Chapter 1

**Twelve Steps**

_Authors' Note: So when I first saw the previews for the new season I couldn't help thinking about the final scene where Annie stabbed herself in the leg while she was in a near panic. Considering everything Joan has said throughout the series about being afraid Annie is walking down the same path Joan has taken, I thought, "Hey, Annie could be using drugs to cope with her time when she was dark!" I brought it up with MrMsMingus, and we decided to run with the idea and turn it into a story. If we are totally wrong about what was happening in the preview, whoops oh well. At least you'll still have a good story!_

Chapter One

Joan was thoroughly exhausted. So far her entire day had consisted of meeting after meeting and fellow department heads jostling for attention. It would have been a lot to handle on its own, but that wasn't all Joan was facing. She'd only regained her rank of DCS recently, and having a new baby while doing the job wasn't easy. Last night she'd been up more times that she wanted to think about, so she'd been tired before she'd even begun the day's work. All of that was more than enough to deal with. But then there was Annie. Even though Annie was back working for the DPD, and therefore not technically Joan's concern, Joan couldn't help but worry. Annie had been through a lot. More than a lot really. Joan couldn't even begin to comprehend how much Annie was struggling with, and Annie was staying quiet about it all. That alone was enough to cause Joan to worry even more. She couldn't keep it all holed up inside of her. That was one thing Joan was sure of since she did the same thing herself and knew how it had turned out.

With only a short time between meetings, Joan hadn't had much opportunity to consider Annie that day. Her mind was occupied with other troubles, other decisions, other agents. When Joan slipped into the bathroom on her way to what felt like her tenth, but was really only her fourth, meeting of the day, she was shocked to see Annie at the sink and simply stood there frozen in response. Since Annie hadn't seemed to notice her arrival, Joan watched in silence, trying to get a peg on where the young woman was at mentally.

Annie was leaning on the edge of the sink, her head bowed. When she reached out to turn the water on her hands shook, something Joan definitely didn't miss. Was it from anxiety? Exhaustion? Fear? In truth it could be any number of things, and there was no way to know the real cause. Annie cupped her hands under the running water and let it pool there. She stared at it for longer than was necessary before lifting her hands and the water they contained up toward her. As Annie splashed water onto her face Joan spoke up.

"Annie."

Annie whipped around so fast it was like her name had been the click of a gun being prepped to fire. She stood wide eyed and tense like a cornered animal for a moment. Joan had seriously startled her. Finally she began to relax and wiped the dripping water off her face.

"Joan."

There was a flicker of nervousness in her voice that Annie was trying desperately to hide. She did a good job, but Joan could still hear it.

Joan took a careful, slow step forward. There wasn't a lot of time until her next meeting, but this was important. If talking to Annie made her a little bit late, then so be it. She was the DCS. They could wait a few minutes for her.

"How are you holding up?" Joan asked gently.

Annie shrugged like everything that had happened while she'd been on her own and returning to the agency wasn't a big deal at all. Joan could almost hear the dismissal of the question.

"Alright. It's a bit of an adjustment, but so was going dark."

Joan nodded, giving Annie the out even though she didn't believe Annie was being completely honest. A quick visual evaluation proved that the adjustment wasn't as small as Annie was trying to make it out to be. She looked thin and exhausted, like she was running on fumes and slowing falling apart. It wasn't possible to come right out and ask whether Annie was taking care of herself, but Joan was determined to voice her concern somehow. With the right wording she could get her point across in a way that wouldn't irritate Annie. Something light. To the point, yet not accusing. After a little bit of thought Joan settled on what she thought was the right phrasing.

"I know there's a lot going on here. There always is, but make sure you make time to eat and sleep. It's important."

"Right," Annie replied and flashed her a bright smile in an attempt to show she was fine. "Don't worry. I will."

Annie quickly dried her hands a second time, hoping to put an end to the conversation.

"Have a good day, Joan."

"Thank you," Joan returned.

She started toward the bathroom stall as Annie walked past her to leave. There really wasn't time for the break anymore, but there was no way she would make it through the next meeting without a stop. She'd just pushed open the door when she paused and glanced back at Annie.

"Annie."

Annie stopped, hand on the door handle, and looked back at Joan curiously. There was a tension in her frame too like she was just waiting for Joan to pounce on her.

"Take care of yourself. And, I want you to know, if you ever need anything or just want to talk, I'm here."

Joan didn't wait for a response from Annie and instead stepped into the bathroom stall. Her point had been made. Hopefully Annie would decide to come to her if coping alone became too difficult and she needed help. It was probably asking for too much, but Joan had to offer anyway. She desperately wanted to help Annie even if Annie didn't want to be helped.

Joan heard the door click closed behind Annie and sighed softly. There really was way too much work to do to add something else to her plate, but she couldn't ignore this. She couldn't just stand by and let Annie drown. The darkness of uncertainty and guilt was already creeping up the young operative's legs. No, not young. She wasn't really young anymore. Annie had experienced more than most. It was that experience that was building up the darkness and allowing it to grow. If Annie couldn't find a way to shine light on those dark places, dry up the roiling black water around her, she would be consumed. Before that happened and she was completely pulled under, Joan had to reach out her hand.

There had to be a way to balance it all despite the lack of hours in a day. At least for now she could concentrate on how to find that balance now that Annie was being added into the equation. Once she walked through the door into her meeting she could switch her brain over to those matters. If there was one thing Joan was incredibly good at, it was compartmentalizing. Her worries about Annie could be boxed up and shelved until she had a few minutes to spare and could take them down again. Until she found a better option, that would have to do.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Annie."

Calder's gruff voice pulled Annie out of her unproductive muse. She had been supposed to be combing through a pile of received emails that might contain hidden clues about weapons sales, but she hadn't been putting any real effort into the job. In reality she hadn't been putting full effort into any of her jobs lately. Since her return she had been noticeably distracted, but Calder simply dismissed her change in behavior. Going dark was a lot to process for anyone.

Whipping her hair around, she faced him.

"Yeah."

He narrowed his eyes at her and tilted his head to the side.

"Everything okay?"

"Fine. Is Joan ready for us?" She asked logging out of her desktop and rolling her chair back. Seeing his nod of affirmation she stood and walked ahead of him, black stilettos clicking as each step brought her closer to the elevator.

A few moments later Calder opened the door of his old office for the blonde operative. Upon seeing Annie and Calder enter, Joan stood from behind her desk and closed the file she had been reading. Tucking it safely under her arm she greeted the two operatives and motioned for them to take a seat at the conference table. Before sitting down as well Joan slid the folder across the table to Annie who was obviously evading her gaze. Joan shrugged it off. It was likely more her imagination than anything else anyway. She passed another file to Calder and took a seat before signaling him to begin the brief. In reality, Calder could have handled the briefing alone, but Joan had requested she be involved. The briefing was the perfect opportunity to observe Annie. Plus, Joan wanted to be sure Annie fully understood and agreed to the mission objectives.

"It was brought to my attention that Fahid Bahkar will be landing at JFK later today," Calder began. "He is the son of Wahid Bahkar who is near the top of our HVT list. None of the chatter we have heard has implied he is in the U.S. for nefarious reasons, but we want eyes on him, and if you see an opening, turning him would be a huge win. Joan and I agreed you should be the one to go to New York. According to his itinerary, Fahid will be in town for two weeks. We have a fully vetted apartment ready for you. Your plane leaves in two hours."

Annie flipped another page in the folder, nodding in understanding. She still hadn't looked up since the meeting had begun.

"Annie..." Joan called gently.

Joan's request of the girl's attention, however, was not granted. She narrowed her eyes and spoke again with more force. This time, Annie's brown eyes flew up to meet Joan's fierce blues.

"Sorry, what?" she asked wondering what she may have missed.

"To be clear...we are not telling you to approach Fahid, much less turn him. That is not the goal of this mission." Joan watched Annie's eyes fall back down to the paper as she nodded. "We just need eyes on him. Simply an information gathering mission. Are we clear?"

Annie nodded but again refused to make eye contact with Joan. When Joan had run into her in the bathroom a few days ago Annie had been a little jumpy and skittish, but she hadn't had any trouble meeting Joan's eyes. That had obviously changed, and it set Joan's alarm bells ringing. She had been trying to keep an eye on Annie so she would notice any serious signs of deterioration, but apparently she hadn't been watching closely enough.

The DCS glanced over at Calder who was obviously as intrigued by Annie's behavior as she was. Her eyes bounced back to the blonde immersed in the file and she again spoke with a firmness in her voice that would demand anyone's attention.

"Annie..."

This time Joan looked carefully at Annie's brown eyes as they inched up. A spider web of red surrounded the iris making the white of her eyes seem pink. Joan hadn't noticed it until just now. She held the blonde's gaze and went on.

"I need to know you understand the goal of this mission. We do not want to create a reason for State to get involved. If he turns down your offer, you back off."

Annie nodded.

"Yes ma'am."

Once her voice fell silent, she again hid her bloodshot eyes from Joan's inquisitive gaze.

After dismissing Calder and Annie, Joan leaned back in the chair she was seated in. Bringing a hand up to grasp the charm hanging on her necklace she pondered what had just happened. Something about Annie's demeanor was unsettlingly out of character for her, even more so than it had been. What was more, it was confusingly familiar to Joan. She couldn't yet put her finger on why, but those bloodshot eyes registered with her subconscious. Her instincts, be it those earned from years as a spy or months as a mother, screamed that something was going on. Something far more than simply struggling with acclimation after going dark.

Joan sighed deeply and shook her head as her conscious mind brought up her unfinished to-do list. Releasing the necklace from her fingers she stood and returned to her desk and the pile of paperwork that miraculously never seemed to get smaller. Once again she was going to need to put her concerns about Annie on the backburner.

Ten minutes later she realized she had read the same paragraph about twenty times and still hadn't processed it. While she'd decided to focus on work instead of Annie, part of her mind hadn't followed that decision. She'd still been contemplating what she had seen and attempting to rip through the veil that was concealing the truth. Joan was confident she already had the answer to that similarity she'd felt, but she still couldn't find it. As she closed her pen it hit her. She had seen those red eyes before. The image immediately floated to the forefront of her mind. _Those eyes_. Not brown. Not Annie's. They were blue. Her own reflected in a mirror.

"Damn it, Annie" she whispered under her breath and put her head in her hands.

Her mind was in a completely different realm, a completely different time as she pondered what to do now. During Annie's first year with the agency Joan had recognized Annie's skill, and during Annie's tenure in the DPD had come to fear the path Annie was setting herself on. It had been so similar to Joan's. She didn't want Annie to follow that same path. It was a terribly dark one. Despite Joan's desires, it looked like that was exactly what was happening. If she was right about what was going on, and she was almost positive that she was, then the darkness that had been creeping up Annie's legs was far higher than she'd originally thought. Time was of the essence, yet she had to be sure. For now, her only option was to wait and observe. If Annie truly was walking through the same minefield Joan had walked years ago there would be more signs. Watching for those couldn't be a side thought anymore. Joan needed to know for sure, quickly, or it would be too late.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Annie strode into the DPD as if nothing was amiss. Her head held high, an irreverent smirk on her face as she walked past her co-workers, their faces plastered with obvious confusion. Without even needing to be summoned she walked straight up to Calder's desk and stood in front of him indignantly, waiting for him to speak.

He had watched her intently since she opened the door. Now she stood directly in front of him seemingly ready for whatever he threw at her. Standing, he roughly grabbed her arm and pulled her into the briefing room as he momentarily cursed his decision to make his office open to everyone. This was a conversation he preferred to have in the privacy provided by closed doors. Once inside he released her arm and paced in front of her as she stood rigidly in the middle of the room.

Calder nearly shook with anger as he turned to face her again. Clenching his fists and taking a deep breath he spoke with the most even tone he could muster.

"Walker, I need a detailed, step by step report on what happened, and I need it right now. So, start with when you got off the plane in New York. Tell me how the hell we got here."

Annie shot him a brief sideways glare before returning her glazed over stare to the wall ahead of her. Even as she spoke to him she kept her eyes focused on the empty expanse of the wall.

"I landed in JFK 72 hours ago. Because there wasn't any time to waste, I went straight to the apartment, dropped off my bags and checked in with Auggie to get a location on the target. He was staying at the St. Regis on 5th Avenue, so I hailed a cab and headed that way." She paused to make sure her story was satisfying her obviously irate boss and glared at him defiantly.

Calder crossed his arms and leaned back against the table in the center of the briefing room.

"Go on."

Annie held in a frustrated groan before speaking again in an irritated tone.

"I went inside and got to know the floor plan. That's when I saw the info board in the lobby welcoming Pakistani delegates to a banquet to be held in the ballroom the evening after next. I knew that would be the easiest place to approach him without State or his government noticing. They followed him everywhere."

Calder held a hand up and interrupted, "So you called Auggie and had him find a banquet attendee with no plus one registered?"

Annie shrugged nonchalantly.

"I needed an invite."

The dark skinned man adjusted his position against the table and put his forehead in his right hand. Eyes still to the floor he lifted his hand from his head and waved for Annie to continue.

"Shem became my target, so I worked him. He asked me to come to the banquet. Naturally I agreed. The night of the banquet, Shem introduced me to Fahid who asked me to dance. I obliged."

Calder didn't need to know the exact details, but she remembered them clearly. Even the conversations that night remained in her mind.

_"How long have you known my friend, Miss Walker?" Fahid asked._

Annie continued letting him lead her across the dance floor and looked up at him, innocence playing across her eyes.

_"I met him yesterday."_

"Yesterday?" 

_Fahid's brow furrowed._

"But my intention was not in getting to know Shem, although he is a lovely man."

"So, what are your intentions?"

Annie smirked and began her pitch.

The pitch hadn't gone over well.

Calder held up a hand and stopped her again.

"Hold on. So, he turned down your cold pitch, correct?"

"Correct, but he..."

"Annie!" he interrupted firmly. "The point of the mission was to gather intel. Joan and I told you if he turned down your pitch you were to back off and just watch. You agreed to that!"

Annie could feel an intense anger beginning to boil. Her entire body flushed. She clenched her fists to keep from visibly shaking. He had no right to tell her she'd done something wrong in _her _mission.

"I left the banquet..." She spoke through clenched teeth.

Calder rolled his eyes and completed her thought for her.

"Yes and broke into his hotel room while a State Department officer was literally watching your every move!" Calder's control slipped and his voice became a roar. "You broke into a Pakistani delegate's hotel room while someone watched you! What the hell were you thinking? That the man wouldn't notice? Or did you think you were above the law? You are a covert operative, Walker. Covert!"

Annie looked at the floor and bit the inside of her cheek. Her burning anger holding at a temperature just below a boil she momentarily showed traces of disappointment. Disappointment in herself. She knew she'd screwed up.

She whispered to no one in particular, "I didn't see him."

"What do you mean you didn't see him? You were alone in the dark for months and didn't make a mistake like this! You knew what was on the line. What the hell is going on here?"

Annie took a deep breath and met Calder's glare with her bloodshot eyes, the anger in her re-kindled.

"You're right. I was in the dark alone for months and now I am here alone. I don't know what you want from me. I didn't see him, so what? You get a slap on the wrist and a call from State? It wasn't that big of a deal. You said it yourself; he probably wouldn't agree to be an asset. There's no reason for you to be so hot about me not turning him. Nobody died, so why does all this matter?" She yelled and threw her hands up in surrender. "Why does any of this matter?! I did my job. It didn't go perfectly, but no mission ever does! Why are you acting like I just exposed the entire damn agency?!"

Calder just stared at her, mouth gaping. Annie could be rebellious, hard headed, and stubborn but he had never thought it to be in her capacity to completely lose all self-control. There was more going on here than a transition and a blown mission, and he knew she would never indulge him. He silently walked past her and opened the door.

"DCS' office. Now."

The blonde whipped her head around and glared at him before taking a step toward the doorway. She near stormed out of the DPD and down the hallway, Calder following her. They rode the elevator up in silence and walked straight into Joan's office, completely bypassing the protesting secretary. Joan was in the middle of a phone call when they barged in. Their sudden appearance momentarily flustered her, but she pulled it together quickly and finished her conversation. She shot Calder an angry glare and abruptly put down the phone.

"That was the Pakistani Prime Minister who is, understandably, very angry with the CIA right now. What are you doing bursting in here?"

Calder shot a look at Annie. It was enough of a direction for Joan's eyes to sweep across the room to Annie as well before jumping back to Calder with a question in her gaze.

"I want to open an official investigation into Annie Walker and before you remind me it's a serious matter, know I am well aware. Her behavior in the field and since her return warrants it."

Joan's brow furrowed, and she brought her eyes to meet Calder's fierce dark ones.

"Have you already filed the paperwork?"

"No ma'am, but I plan to the moment I return to my desk," he replied, his voice firm and resolved.

Joan nodded solemnly and crossed her arms.

"Let me talk with her and if I find it is in the best interest of both her and this agency, I will file it myself."

Calder blew air through his lips.

"Fine with me."

He turned and ushered himself out of the room half stomping with every step.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The door closed behind Calder leaving the two blondes standing across the room from each other, the younger with a stone cold face. Features frozen, mind in another world, she stared over Joan's head. Joan tilted her head to the side. A mix of shame, compassion, and disappointment flickered in her eyes as she looked at the woman before her.

So far, even with all of Annie's deterioration, her work hadn't been severely compromised. At least not until now. If Calder wanted to file an official inquiry then something had definitely happened. Joan had to find out what it was to determine how deep of a hole Annie had dug herself into and how worried Joan should be about it. She'd gotten Calder's report, but there were sure to be things that Annie hadn't shared.

"What happened?"

"I screwed up! Is that what you want me to say?!" Annie near roared.

Her eyes snapped to Joan's and held there in a blazing flare of anger. It caught Joan slightly off guard.

"Annie…" she began softly, but was cut off before she could say more.

"I gave my pitch, he turned me down, and I didn't give up. Threw caution to the wind. Was reckless. Disobeyed orders. I put myself and this agency at risk! Do you want me to keep going? I'm sure I can come up with a few more things you're both thinking about me!"

"Annie!"

Joan's voice hadn't been loud, merely startled, which wasn't enough to halt Annie's tirade. Annie began pacing back and forth across Joan's office, her hands gesticulating wildly.

"It wasn't my fault! I didn't do anything wrong! I was trying to turn an asset and you have to take risks to do that. So I didn't see the guy. Everyone makes mistakes! I'm sorry, okay?! Why are you and Calder making such a big deal out of one little mishap? I'm not the first one who didn't spot a tail and I won't be the last. But I'm different right? I went dark so I can't be fully trusted. You're going to punish me no matter what I say, so go ahead!"

Joan stared at Annie through her monologue and struggled to keep her mouth closed. Annie had gone off on her once before, but it had been controlled and cold then. This was hot, angry, emotional, and completely unthought-out. Words were simply spewing from her mouth like she had no control at all. And maybe she didn't.

After looking Annie over Joan immediately noticed three things: Annie's eyes were still bloodshot, her pencil skirt and blouse fell loosely over her lithe figure, and her whole body trembled uncontrollably. They were all more signs that Annie had fallen down the same path Joan had walked. Unfortunately it looked like she was deeper than Joan had suspected. A guilty sob threatened the back of Joan's throat. She should've intervened earlier, even if she hadn't been sure.

Taking a deep breath she pushed the lump in her throat down and mentally prepared herself for what had to happen next. It would need to be a delicate balancing act, and one that should not be played out here. Joan pulled a small piece of paper toward her, wrote down a few words, and folded the note in half. Annie hadn't even noticed. She was still busy pacing back and forth, her hands clenching and unclenching.

Joan stepped out from behind her desk and grasped Annie's forearm. Despite how gentle Joan had been, Annie flinched under her touch.

"Come sit down," Joan said and tugged lightly on Annie's arm, directing her toward the couch.

She didn't sound angry, but that didn't stop Annie from mouthing off again.

"Is that an order?"

"Merely a request."

Annie scowled at her, but Joan simply faced Annie passively. If she needed to use orders, she would, but for now requests would likely get them further. She needed Annie to trust her. At the moment, Joan needed to be more friend than boss.

Glowering at Joan and still visibly angry, Annie stalked over to the couch and dropped down onto it. She immediately crossed her arms over her chest and hardened her expression resolutely. Joan sighed but said nothing and simply sat down next to her.

"I want you to listen to me, Annie. I don't know everything that's going on in your head, and I don't know what you're going through. Not completely. What I do know is that you aren't yourself right now. You're in trouble, whether you realize it or not."

Annie shot Joan a searing glare.

"Of course I am. You're going to throw me into more polygraphs and head shrinking sessions and then stick me on the most ridiculous assignments you have. Newbie stuff. Walk in duty and desk crap."

"Actually, I'm not," Joan told her firmly.

"Oh yeah? So what else are you going to do as a punishment? Suspend me?"

"No. I'm going to give you the rest of the day and tomorrow morning off. I want you to take the time to get your head together. Cool down. Rest. Eat."

Annie just gaped at her, at a total loss for what to say. This was not the Joan Campbell that she knew. Some of the fierce, no nonsense tone was there, but the harsh punishment wasn't.

"Tomorrow," Joan continued. "You are to go here. We'll decide what happens after that."

She handed Annie the slip of paper she'd written on earlier. Annie frowned and opened it. The name of a café near enough to Langley, but not too close, and a time were all that was written there. She looked up at Joan in confusion and was met with a firm stare. This was an order, though an unspoken one. When Annie opened her mouth to ask a question Joan's eyes narrowed. Immediately Annie shut her mouth and stayed silent. There would be nothing more said about this. Annie crumpled the letter up in her fist and stood.

"Fine," Annie snapped.

Without another word she stalked toward the door, leaving Joan sitting on the couch watching her. She didn't notice the worry and sadness that had crept onto Joan's face the moment Annie had turned away. When the door closed Joan sighed and pressed her hands together before resting her forehead lightly on the sides of her forefingers. She desperately needed to get through to Annie, to help her, but she wasn't sure if she could. Ever since Annie had joined her division Joan had been trying to reach Annie and support her, but had she ever actually succeeded? She didn't think so. Now she had no option but to succeed, and Joan wasn't so sure she was ready to take up the challenge. About all she was sure of was that it shouldn't happen here. It needed to be somewhere where there wouldn't be as many ears listening. That part had been taken care of, and now the harder part was left. Somehow, in the next twenty four hours, she had to figure out the right way to confront Annie.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Once again Joan glanced at her watch and sighed. It was 2:06, and there was still no sign of Annie. Six minutes wasn't that long, but Joan couldn't help but worry as she considered the potential reasons for Annie not showing. Joan didn't think it was a big possibility, but as time slowly crept by she couldn't help wondering and worrying. Would Annie actually disobey what had, for all intents and purposes, been an order from her boss? Or was she too out of it to realize she was missing a meeting? Joan doubted both possibilities, but the nagging questions were still there. Every blonde head that came into view drew her attention.

Annie's approach put her coming toward Joan's back, so the other woman didn't spot her until she'd walked past her and had nearly pulled out the second chair. She flopped down onto the chair with her legs stretched out in front of her and kind of slouching for a moment before she realized this was a meeting and pulled herself up to sit ramrod straight, almost tense.

"Sorry I'm late. I got a little caught up."

Joan offered her a tiny nod in response and set the extra coffee she'd bought closer to Annie's hand. Annie grabbed it and eagerly took a sip. As she did, Joan's eyes swept over her, evaluating her clothing which looked both like "Annie" and "Jessica." Joan had never seen Annie wear a mid-thigh length loose cargo jacket. It didn't suit her at all and just emphasized how tired and potentially volatile Annie was.

When Annie set the cup back down her eyes jumped up to Joan's. Her boss hadn't said anything so far, so Annie decided it was best if she take charge of the meeting on her own. Hopefully that would speed things along and make it easier.

"Sorry about yesterday too. I didn't mean to snap at you or go off on you or anything. I was just so… frustrated. It won't happen again."

Her expression and eyes were hard as she spoke, which didn't reassure Joan at all. Annie might have cooled down enough to think about what she'd done, but her thoughts hadn't gone in the right direction. Instead of thinking about why she'd lost control and what she was going to do to help herself, it looked like she'd worked on how to get out of the mess she'd gotten herself into with Joan.

"How are you planning on making sure of that?" Joan asked firmly.

Annie's face tensed in anger for the briefest of seconds before she schooled it back again.

"By reminding myself that you and Calder are my bosses, that there is a chain of command and you both outrank me."

"And you think that will solve the problem?"

"Yes," Annie returned sharply.

Joan nodded and took a small sip of her coffee. Her eyes remained on Annie, obviously watching. The silence lingered on growing heavier with each passing moment. It was only disturbed when Annie began shifting uneasily. Joan simply remained calm, passive, and stoic, keeping everything off of her face for the time being. Eventually Annie wouldn't be able to stand the silent gaze any longer. It took a lot less time than Joan had expected, and when Annie did break she exploded into anger.

"What?!"

Joan lifted an eyebrow, and Annie clenched her jaw as she realized she had just done the thing she had promised, only moments ago, to never do again. It took every ounce of her self-control not to glare at Joan.

"Annie, I don't think you realize the full gravity of the situation right now."

"I think I do, Joan," Annie shot back with a roll of her eyes.

Shaking her head, Joan looked down at the nearly empty cardboard cup in her hand and took a steady breath before lifting her chin to reveal a compassionate gaze to her operative.

"I am being patient with you, Annie, but you are only continuing to prove my point. Something bigger is at play with you right now than simply trying to assimilate into the agency and its hierarchy."

Annie snorted and crossed her arms. Something bigger? Yeah, right. Like coming back from being off the grid, from being dead wasn't big enough on its own.

"What, you think my screwed up relationship with Auggie is filtering over into the workplace or something?"

"Your relationship with Auggie is hardly something I am concerned about at the moment. That's a miniscule problem compared to what I am seeing."

"Maybe you don't know what you're seeing then."

The glittering ice in Annie's eyes matched the frosty cold of her voice. Joan had no trouble facing that cold though. Annie could deny what was happening all she wanted, but Joan knew what she'd seen. The signs weren't foreign to her. They were so familiar it frightened her. At first they might have been small warning lights, but now they were a neon flashing sign. This meeting could not be allowed to end until Annie realized that Joan knew about her problem. Considering how on edge Annie was, Joan didn't want to risk coming right out and saying it yet. Should the younger woman storm off it would effectively crush whatever open line of communication they had at the moment. For now subtlety and gentle pushes would have to suffice. That was fine. Joan had a few more tricks up her sleeve.

"Have you been seeing someone since you got back, Annie? A doctor? A psychiatrist?"

"You know I have. The agency made me go to mandatory shrink sessions before I was officially allowed back to work."

Joan nodded. She had known that and had agreed with the decision. Making Annie admit to it was simply setting the playing field.

"Did the counselor prescribe anything?"

"Isn't my medical information personal?" Annie growled. "Never mind. This is the agency. Nothing is personal."

"This meeting is. Nothing either of us says here will get back to the agency," Joan reassured.

Annie rolled her eyes again. She didn't truly believe that but arguing with Joan about it wouldn't get her anywhere. Plus, if Joan wanted answers she was going to get them, one way or another.

"Yeah, they gave me stuff, but I don't use it. It doesn't work."

Fear flickered through Joan. If Annie wasn't abusing something her counselor had prescribed then what was she taking? Joan's mind shot through the different possibilities. They were all bad. Her controlled concern for Annie instantly transformed into desperate fear. The need to get through to her faster washed over Joan causing subtlety and carefulness to go out the window.

"Annie, what are you taking?"

Annie's eyes went wide in shock, another indication to Joan that she was right.

"What?!"

"I know you're on something," Joan said, the power remaining in her voice despite how soft it was.

Surprise quickly shifted to anger and denial. Annie's eyes swept the room to check for anyone listening before narrowing dangerously and focusing on the woman sitting across from her.

"I'm not on anything," she hissed. "You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Annie, listen to me. I…"

"Why? So you can keep saying ridiculous things like that? No thank you. I'm fine without that. Work is complicated enough without adding the shit storm that someone hearing you say that about me would cause. Just because you're wrong doesn't mean I won't face more consequences."

Annie pushed her chair out with enough force to nearly knock it over backward and got to her feet. Once she had she rested her palms on the table, leaned down closer to Joan, and glared at her.

"I'm not having this conversation with you."

As she started walking away Joan shot to her feet.

"Where are you going?" Joan asked, authority ringing through her voice.

"Back to work!"

"No, you aren't. You're taking time off. That's an order."

Annie turned back toward Joan, totally aghast. Her mouth hung open and her face had paled. The fierce anger melted into a complete sense of helplessness.

"No. Joan, please. I'm fine. You don't have to take me out of the field."

"I think I do," Joan said, not unsympathetically. "You need the time."

Annie swallowed hard and fought to keep her hands from trembling.

"How much time?"

"Until you can prove to me you have your head together again."

Shaken by the news, Annie forced herself to nod. The monotony of acquiring and completing tasks for the agency had been what had held her together. Kept her from losing herself. Another day alone and she was afraid of what she might do. Her eyes flickered up to Joan's, nearly pleading, but when Joan still didn't give in all Annie could do was turn away. The last thing she wanted was to be benched, but there wasn't any choice. She needed to obey Joan's orders and find a way to get back into her boss' good graces, and she needed to do it fast.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six 

Joan had spent the majority of the evening worrying about Annie. After watching her storm out of the café, Joan had returned to Langley to wrap up the day as quickly as possible so she could go straight home. She needed to get her emotions in check. In front of Annie, she had remained placid and controlled, but on the inside she'd been the exact opposite. Every ounce of her had wanted to grab the girl and shake some sense into her.

Joan's own past had crept its way into her conscious thoughts ever since their meeting. The memories, the shame, however dull they had become over the years, were still there. Upon arriving at the house she quickly dismissed the nanny and kept herself occupied by taking care of her son. It was an adequate distraction until her husband arrived home and claimed their son for himself. Knowing that the only way to keep her thoughts at bay was to stay busy, Joan immediately turned her attention to the unfolded laundry. Even that didn't last very long. She'd only managed to fold two of Mackenzie's onesies before Arthur asked her what was wrong. He'd always been able to read her so well; even when she thought she had everything hidden. Just because he realized something was off with her though didn't mean she had to admit it.

She insisted everything was fine, though it came out a little sharper and more clipped than intended, and hoped that today would be one of the days that Arthur didn't push. It wasn't. He settled Mackenzie in his bouncer on the floor. Their son happily amused, Arthur took the laundry Joan had been folding and put it out of arm's reach. Joan's feigned anger at him interrupting her moment of productivity quickly dissolved as he wrapped his arms around her. She melted into his embrace and told him what she could.

Half an hour later, a knock on the door interrupted their quiet evening. Joan and Arthur exchanged confused looks, each wondering who would come by this late in the evening. Even though she'd relaxed somewhat, Joan really wasn't in the mood for visitors. There was no helping it though, so she got up and went to open the door.

Glancing out the window, Joan saw the back of Annie's blonde head. Facing the street with her back to the front door, Annie looked ready to run. Joan sighed and looked over her shoulder at her husband, who had followed her to the front hallway.

"It's Annie."

Arthur nodded and stepped forward planting a kiss on her forehead.

"I'll put Mackenzie down and give you space to talk."

Receiving a nod of agreement, he re-entered the living room to retrieve his son as Joan reached for the handle to open the door, half expecting Annie to have disappeared.

"Annie?" she called softly to gain her guest's attention.

Annie whipped around to face her boss. The anger that had consumed her light brown eyes earlier in the day was now replaced by confusion and fear. Part of Joan was relieved, but another part of her was scared. Pushing the door open more she stepped aside to make way for the young operative to enter.

"Come inside Annie."

Seeing her hesitation, Joan narrowed her eyes and produced a justification for her request that she knew would get Annie into the house.

"You are a covert operative standing outside the very publicized former DCS's house. On top of that, it's also the home of the current DCS. You need to come inside."

Annie nodded and stepped across the threshold. When she looked up she saw Arthur cradling Mackenzie in his arms. Immediately she regretted her decision to come by. Turning to bolt out the door, she heard it click shut and saw Joan standing unmovable in front of it. With no escape that way, Annie turned back toward Arthur. As she did Joan clenched her eyes shut and nearly let out a small, inaudible sigh of relief. At least now she didn't have to worry that Annie would suddenly turn and run.

Arthur broke the tense silence.

"Good to see you, Walker."

Annie smiled politely at him.

"Good to see you too. I see you're all healed up."

"I am," Arthur confirmed, but the polite small-talk was interrupted by Mackenzie whimpering. Arthur's eyes bounced from Annie to his son and back again. "Well, I need to get this little man to bed."

His next statement was directed at his wife, who was still standing with her back to the door.

"I'll be upstairs if you need anything," he told her.

With that he disappeared into the house.

Joan placed a hand on Annie's shoulder making her nearly jump out of her skin. She quickly pulled away so she wouldn't unsettle Annie more and motioned toward the living room.

"Come sit and we can talk."

Annie nodded, walked into the room, and settled into an armchair. Joan took the couch across from her. The moment Joan sat down Annie adjusted her position in the chair, seemingly unable to get comfortable. She was on edge, nervous, and afraid even though she was in the home of someone she trusted.

Tilting her head, Joan asked, "Are you okay, Annie?"

Suddenly Annie's fidgeting stilled. Her eyes, wide and unsure, lifted to meet Joan's. Feeling like a deer stuck in the headlights, she struggled to find the words she had practiced on the drive over. Was she okay? That was such a relative and loaded question. Bringing a hand to her head she massaged her right temple to hopefully ease the growing throbbing sensation behind it before gathering her thoughts and responding.

"I think you've made it pretty clear that you don't think I'm okay," she answered, her tone more slicing than she meant it to be.

Annie immediately recognized her error and quickly scanned Joan's face to gauge her reaction. She found Joan totally un-phased.

"Annie, I am going to ask you this one more time. I'm not asking again. Do you understand?"

Annie nodded and tried to predict the pending question. There were a few possibilities, and she wasn't looking forward to answering any of them.

"Good. What are you taking?" The question escaped Joan's lips one word at a time, making it sound incredibly serious.

A wave of nausea crashed over Annie, and she struggled to take a breath. After finally managing to fill her lungs she pointed her eyes at the geometric print on the rug covering the Campbell's wood floors.

"Hydrocodone."

Her voice was just over a whisper. This time, she didn't dare to look up and survey Joan's reaction. Clenching her eyes shut she could easily imagine the anger, disappointment, and frustration taking over her boss' features. The picture was almost as clear in her mind as it would have been if her eyes were open.

"Annie, look at me. Please," Joan requested weakly.

Slowly, Annie's eyes inched up. Their gazes locked only briefly before Annie looked away. She found it harder to meet the look of compassion on Joan's face than to meet her anger. It was easy to glare back in return to anger.

"I need to know when you started taking them," Joan pressed.

Annie remained unresponsive so Joan asked again in a firmer tone.

"Annie, where did you get the drugs?"

Even though she didn't want to answer, Annie knew she had to. She wanted to fight back against this intrusion, wanted to keep her mouth shut, wanted to keep her secrets safe, but on a deeper level, she knew she needed to be honest with Joan. Annie quickly shook her head in an attempt to silence the voices that had successfully kept her silent for months. After reminding herself that Joan was her boss and she was (presumably) trying to help, Annie sat up in her chair and looked at the wall behind Joan. Her lips were pinched tight for a moment before she finally spoke.

"I was prescribed them when I got back."

"Why did you lie to me?"

Annie gritted her teeth as the false accusation ground on her like sand paper. She was already in enough trouble and had disappointed Joan for enough reasons. The last thing she needed was for a false reason to be added to the list.

"I didn't lie. They didn't come from my counselor. The doctor who did my physical gave them to me. At some point in the field I broke a rib. I hadn't noticed the pain until the examination. The drugs…" She hesitated and bowed her head before continuing in a softer whisper, "they numbed more than just the physical pain so I…."

"So you kept taking them."

Annie nodded.

"What did you do when your prescription ran out?"

Anger shook the young blonde as she fiercely met her boss' eyes. Hadn't she admitted enough already? Why did Joan need to know that too? Just so she could be more disappointed in Annie? Have more reasons to add to the list of why she was a screw up? If Annie revealed her source she knew Joan would make sure she never got another refill again. The mere thought of not having access to more made her feel out of control.

"I don't see how that's relevant,"she barked at Joan, her self-control breaking with each passing second.

"It's very relevant. Annie, you need help. This is a war you can't win on your own."

Annie ignored the statement and quickly rose out of her seat to start pacing the room.

"Look, I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I let going dark affect me like this and I'm sorry I disappointed you, but I do not need help. I can handle this."

Joan was quiet for a beat, letting Annie calm down and catch her breath. Annie needed to choose where to go from here, and in order to make that decision she had to be thinking straight.

"Annie, I'm not asking you to be perfect. No two operatives handle and interpret a situation the same. You cannot compare your experience and results from going dark to anyone else's. Yes, I am disappointed but not in you."

Annie froze and met Joan's gaze with a furrowed brow. She didn't understand. What else could Joan possibly be disappointed with?

Joan took a deep breath and went on.

"I knew, or suspected you were dealing with something like this before we ever sent you to New York, but I was pre-occupied and on a deeper level, afraid to confront you until I was absolutely sure I was right. I shouldn't have waited, and I'm afraid you're the one paying the price for that decision. I am sorry for that, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. But Annie, you do need help. No one can do this alone and no one should have too."

"Maybe I deserve to have to do this alone," Annie mumbled so low Joan hardly heard her.

Using a firm but compassionate voice, Joan demanded the young blonde's attention, "Maybe you do, and maybe you don't. Either way I'm not going to let you do it alone."

Sucking in an unsteady breath, Annie shook her head. She didn't understand why Joan was so willing to help her. How was she so confident that Annie was worth helping?

"When was the last time you took a pill?" Joan asked with her right brow arched.

Annie cleared her throat and sat back down, back straight.

"Uh… a few hours before I met you at the café. I… I don't really remember the exact time."

She felt the heat of shame flush her cheeks as her eyes once again met the carpet covering the Campbell's floor.

"You'll start feeling withdrawal symptoms soon then."

Annie's startled eyes met Joan's. Giving the inside of her cheek a nibble in consideration she chose to keep the symptoms she was already feeling to herself.

"And I think you should stay here tonight," Joan continued.

Annie immediately protested. She did not need to drag Joan into this any further than she already had.

"No, I feel fine. I can handle this."

"You can and you will handle this, but you're going to need help. _Let me help you_."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Withdrawal hit full force at 4am. Annie wasn't sure of anything else at the moment, but she was positive of that. The symptoms that had been warning her of a pending full force assault on her body all day had been nothing in comparison.

Restless sleep was interrupted by a building of pain crashing down on top of her and startling her into alertness. Staring wide-eyed at the ceiling, Annie realized the guestroom Joan had insisted she sleep in was spinning. Every inch of her body felt like it was being crushed, every joint being torn in two. It took all of her effort to breathe much less move. However, the knowledge that a pill could immediately end the torture would've been motivation enough for her to get out of the bed and tear through the house until she found some. The additional torment of doing that would be worth it if it meant the pain would end soon. In a fleeting moment of sanity, Joan's insistence on her staying the night made sense. The moment broke and reality was lost when a wave of nausea crashed over Annie so hard she felt she would drown. Annie lurched out of the bed and into the adjacent guest bathroom before emptying the contents of her stomach. The movement only enhanced the stabbing pain in her body. She wanted to die, deserved to die for what she had done, and when Joan joined her in the bathroom seconds later she begged the woman to let her.

Joan refused and ignored Annie's half sane request. Instead, she calmly stroked Annie's hair as Annie fell limply onto the bathroom tile after the heaving ceased. Through blurred eyes and ringing ears, Annie saw and heard Arthur in the doorway inquiring about her. She even heard herself respond and also beg him to kill her, though it didn't sound like her voice. Nothing felt like her. It was as if her entire existence was consumed by pain and someone else was using her body. Was this the point of living? To live in pain?

"She'll be alright," Joan softly assured Arthur. "Just look after Mackenzie and let Calder know I'll be taking a sick day. He already knows Annie is on leave."

"Alright. Call me if you need anything."

With that Arthur disappeared from the doorway, and Joan's focus returned to the young blonde writhing in pain on the floor beside her. The fear and anxious familiarity she saw reflected in her husband's eyes reminded her of the first time she went through this. The first time she detoxed Arthur had been there for her through the entire horrible event. The second time (and she swore it was her last time) she'd done it alone. Fear of his judgment and her own shame had kept her isolated. It had been one of the scariest moments of her life. Now watching Annie go through the same thing, hearing her beg for Joan to end the pain for her, Joan couldn't believe she'd survived her second detox on her own. Now wasn't the time to be thinking about that though. Annie needed her full attention.

Picking herself up off the floor, Joan flushed and closed the toilet. She then ran some cold water over a cloth and returned to the section of floor she had previously occupied beside Annie. The girl had become deathly still and her cries had ceased. Although Joan knew Annie was probably still feeling nauseous, there was nothing left for her body to expel. Gently, Joan pulled Annie's sweat drenched blonde hair from her forehead, which was burning with fever, and applied the cool cloth. With that done, Joan moved back to prop herself up against the side of the tub. Exhaustion won and Annie fell into a fitful sleep. Joan watched. With every muscle spasm pain washed over the girl's features, and Joan wished she had spoken sooner, wished she had trusted her instincts, wished she could've spared her young operative. She knew how bad the pain of finally getting clean was, but watching someone she cared about go through it was just as horrible. The pain was simply a different kind.

An hour later, Joan got up to change Annie's sweat drenched sheets and to clean the bathroom as quietly as she could while the girl slept. The silence was broken by a muted sob. Joan immediately stopped wiping the floor and knelt beside Annie.

"Hey..." she whispered, so softly she could have been talking to her son. "Do you think we can get you up and into the bed?"

Annie started to turn her head only to be stopped by a wall of pain. She gasped and another sob escaped her lips causing her body to spasm. The movement increased her pain level exponentially. No way was she going to get up and travel the ten or so feet back to the bed. That realization was her greatest fear; she was completely helpless. Grief tore through her core and ripped out in a wave of physically painful sobs. A whispered apology escaped along with them every so often.

As gently as she could, Joan lifted Annie's head into her lap and held her steady. With every one of Annie's apologies an equally low whisper of forgiveness followed. What felt like hours later, Annie fell back asleep, and Joan let her own emotions catch up with her.

Her husband found her there, silent tears streaming down her face.

"Joan?" He tenderly requested her attention, and her tired blue eyes opened to meet his. "Do you need anything?

Eyes flickering down to Annie and back again, Joan nodded.

"Help me get her into the bed. She has been on this floor for hours."

Arthur nodded in agreement and the two worked together to lift her from the floor and carry her onto the bed. Somehow, Annie stayed asleep through the transfer, which Joan was incredibly grateful for. She knew the pain the movement would cause. After they finished settling Annie into the queen sized bed and smoothing the blankets over her Joan's eyes caught the reading on the alarm clock. Her eyes snapped up to her husband's.

"Arthur, it's already eight. You're late for work."

He shook his head and grabbed her arm, pulling her into the hallway where they could talk and not worry about waking Annie.

"I have sick days too you know."

Relief washed over Joan, and she melted into his embrace.

"What about the nanny?" she asked into his shoulder.

Arthur rested his chin atop her head.

"I told her to take a paid day off." Pulling away, he kissed her forehead. "Why don't you shower and feed Mackenzie. I can watch Annie for a while."

Joan shook her head.

"No, Arthur you..."

"...have done this before." He firmly caught her gaze. "Go take a few moments to yourself."

Knowing it was less of a request and more of an order, Joan obeyed.

Less than an hour later she returned to the guest room. Arthur had pulled the blinds and curtains shut to keep the morning light from streaming in and aggravating the pounding headache Annie was sure to have when she woke up, and a new cloth had found its way to Annie's forehead. Arthur sat in an armchair in the corner of the room watching. Joan set down a bottle of water on the night stand and ran the back of her hand across Annie's cheek. Her skin was splotchy and warm, but covered in chill bumps. Upon closer inspection Joan realized Annie was trembling.

Seeing her brow furrow, Arthur spoke, "She started trembling not long ago. I think her fever is breaking."

He stood and walked around to stand beside his wife, immediately slipping one arm around her waist to offer her support.

"Did she wake up at all?"

"No. I'm not sure if she is even asleep or just unresponsive." He watched worry flash across Joan's features and raced to reassure her. "Don't worry too much. You did the same thing. She will be okay."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight 

Annie's eyes fluttered open, and she looked around in confusion. She had no idea where she was. Even after her eyes had adjusted to the dim light in the room she had no better understanding of her location or how she'd gotten there. Annie sat up slowly, her body fully protesting the movement. Everything hurt, but at least it was only a dull ache. Except for her head. That was blazing with a ferocious pain, like someone had pried her skull open and then not taken the time to put it back together right. She groaned and pressed her hand to her head, hoping the pain would die down to a more tolerable level. It didn't.

She was just contemplating getting out of bed to figure out what was going on when a baby suddenly cried from somewhere outside of her room. It was the trigger she'd needed.

Mackenzie, Joan and Arthur's son.

That was right. She'd stopped by the Campbell's home to talk to Joan the night before. Annie let out a deflated sigh as she remembered admitting to taking narcotics. Well, it was definitely time to head home. She managed to climb out of bed, though her vision flickered black for a brief moment when she first stood up as the pain become more intense. With the help of the bedside table she managed to keep her balance and waited until the pain had died down a little. Before heading downstairs she stopped in the bathroom. Her first look in the mirror stopped her cold. She looked absolutely terrible. Her face was pale with the remnants of sweat stains. Even her shirt was stained with something odd colored and crusty. She seriously didn't want to know what it was. Thankfully someone had left a fresh shirt on the counter, which she changed into immediately. There wasn't a brush or hair tie around, so she quickly ran her fingers through her hair in a hopeless attempt to make it halfway decent.

As Annie padded quickly downstairs she heard soft voices and the gentle clink of silverware on plates. She hadn't been expecting that. The house should have been empty except for Mackenzie and his nanny. She peeked her head around the kitchen doorway and spotted Joan and Arthur sitting at the kitchen table. Arthur was shoveling what looked like scrambled eggs into his mouth while Joan rocked Mackenzie in her arms. Annie blinked dumbly at them for a moment. It was awkward enough waking up in their home, but now she was apparently interrupting their breakfast. She considered turning around and sneaking out the door before they noticed her but decided that would be rude, not to mention eluding Joan at the moment would do nothing to help rebuild the rapport between them that Annie was so afraid she'd lost.

"Morning…" Her voice was small and came out scratchy. Annie barely recognized it as her own.

Joan and Arthur looked up, Arthur with a piece of toast halfway to his mouth.

"Annie," Joan said warmly and waved her in. "It's good to see you awake."

Annie walked in nervously, biting her lip and unsure what to say or do.

"Um… shouldn't you both be at… at work, or?"

Arthur choked back a laugh and quickly stuffed the toast into his mouth to prevent any sound from coming out. Joan simply smiled at him and continued rubbing Mackenzie's back as she answered calmly.

"It's Sunday, Annie."

Annie's brow furrowed with confusion as she tried to understand how she had been there for three days and why she didn't remember. A wave of lightheadedness forced her to find a sturdy surface to steady herself on. The wall to her right did just fine. Joan frowned in worry and watched Annie like a hawk. She'd expected Annie to be a bit disoriented when she woke up, but she was clearly weaker from the withdrawal than Joan had expected. When she thought about it, it really shouldn't have surprised her. Annie hadn't eaten in over 48 hours.

"Sunday?" Annie asked in a near squeak. "I came over Thursday night!"

"And you slept through all of Saturday," Arthur told her. "You're the only one in the house that slept Friday night too." He thrust his thumb out to point at Mackenzie. "This little man had a rough night."

"But…"

How had she managed to sleep through a fussy baby and an entire day? She never slept that long, even after a difficult mission. What was more, she was typically a light sleeper. Ever since she'd gone dark she'd become even more of a light sleeper. There was no way she would have slept through that much noise.

Joan didn't give Annie the chance to say anything more. She stood and dropped Mackenzie into Arthur's arms before heading toward the stove.

"How about I make you some breakfast? What would you like? Eggs, bacon, toast? I could probably manage an omelet if you wanted."

"I'm okay, but thank you, Joan."

"Some breakfast will do you good," Joan insisted.

Annie opened her mouth to protest but didn't get very far.

"Annie. Sit."

She sat. As Joan started working away at making breakfast, Annie nervously rubbed at her arm. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to talk about and the whole situation just felt awkward. At least Arthur wasn't watching her and was simply enjoying his meal. Mackenzie, however, was. Annie settled herself to watching him back. He seemed content curled up against Arthur's shoulder, sucking on his own hand, and watching Annie with big blue eyes. Those eyes made him look exactly like both of his parents, though they were far warmer and more innocent. It made Annie smile. It was her first since waking up and it actually made her feel better, though that could have been because of Mackenzie.

Joan set a plate down in front of Annie and took her own seat next to the young woman. Annie nearly fell over when she saw the pile of eggs and toast.

"Joan, I couldn't possibly eat all of this."

"Just eat. You might be surprised."

Not wanting to argue, Annie started putting jelly on her toast. After a few bites she realized how right Joan had been. She was absolutely starving and started shoveling eggs into her mouth a little bit faster than she had the toast. The food helped her think a bit straighter, and the pieces that had been fuzzy or missing completely since she woke up started fitting together. The conversation she'd come to have with Joan days ago had turned into more than a conversation. Joan had managed to convince her to stay the night, something about withdrawal symptoms. Oh no, had she really spend two days half-conscious because she was detoxing? What had she said in the process? She remembered seeing Joan and Arthur, talking to them about something though she didn't know what. Her gut was telling her it hadn't been good. They must think she was insane. Annie tried to shove the thoughts as far into the back of her mind as possible and focused on eating. She doubted anyone else had ever been more focused and intent on chewing scrambled eggs.

Joan let Annie eat in relative silence. As the young woman started getting toward the bottom of her plate Joan met Arthur's eyes. He read her request without a word needing to exchange between them and slipped out of the kitchen, taking Mackenzie with him. With Arthur gone Joan turned her attention to Annie, who was scooping the last of her eggs onto her fork.

Joan stood and started gathering the dishes on the table. It would be best to start the next conversation when Annie was partially distracted. It would be easier to get her talking.

"Help me clear the table, Annie?"

Annie nodded silently and stood, grabbing the empty glasses and Mackenzie's empty bottle, and followed Joan to the kitchen.

Joan washed; Annie dried. Two plates in, Joan started her round of questions.

"What do you remember?"

Annie swallowed down the lump in her throat but still had a hard time answering. She gave the coffee cup in her hand another wipe down with the rag to try and postpone answering for another moment more.

"Um… not much. I remember we talked and I didn't feel well after. Actually, I felt pretty terrible. Maybe the worst I've ever felt. I'm pretty sure I remember seeing you and Arthur at one point and feeling somewhat relieved. Maybe."

And upset, ashamed, embarrassed, possibly angry, but Annie didn't tell Joan that. They were vaguer feelings, and she didn't want to upset Joan after everything she assumed her boss had done for her.

"I'm sorry for inconveniencing you. You were probably up with me the whole night," Annie added weakly.

"I was up with Mackenzie anyway," Joan assured. It was a bit of a lie, but Joan thought it was a necessary one. Besides, it wasn't totally false. She had spent some time awake because of her son.

"Good, I mean…" Annie ran her hand nervously through her hair. "I'm sorry… and… thank you."

Joan simply smiled and nodded her head slightly. Annie didn't really need to thank her. She'd done what was necessary, even if she still thought it hadn't been soon enough. It was over now, and they had to look forward. Annie still had a long road to walk. Joan knew. She was still walking it herself.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Once the kitchen was clean, Joan brewed two cups of herbal tea and settled onto the couch in the living room with Annie for what she knew would be the hardest talk she had ever forced herself to have with an operative.

Annie fiddled with the mug in her hand and avoided meeting Joan's eyes. Joan let out a sigh and gathered her thoughts. She wanted to tell Annie her story, hoping that maybe if Annie heard it, she would open up as well. Of course saying she wanted to share her story and actually doing so were two different things. Joan hadn't told very many people what had happened to her. It was deeply personal and revealed things about herself she would rather keep hidden. No matter how hard it was though if it could help Annie realize this was a safe place, then it was worth it.

Clearing her throat, Joan began.

"Annie, you already know I am in NA. Seth was my sponsor."

The mention of their fallen co-worker caused Annie's skin to pale even more than it already was. Hearing Joan start off the conversation with Narcotics Anonymous wasn't exactly reassuring either.

"What you don't know is that I knew you needed to stay here and detox because I have done it. Twice."

Annie's eyes shot up to meet Joan's. Sure she had known Joan was in NA, but the fact that she, _Joan Campbell_, had relapsed made Annie feel unsettled and daunted. She really did want to get clean, but if Joan couldn't, how was she going to? In Annie's mind, Joan's strength was multiple levels above her own.

"What you also don't know is how I got there," Joan continued. "I was on a mission in Belgrade. Meg was with me. Things went terribly wrong…"

"The mission where you woke up in a hospital bed?"

Joan raised an eyebrow at the girl, surprised with the question.

"I heard you and Meg talking about in Mexico," Annie explained.

Joan chuckled and nodded.

"Of course you did. That seems like a lifetime ago. Anyway. Belgrade."

She rubbed at her face for a moment, all hint of amusement gone. Now that she'd been momentarily derailed she was finding it hard to get back onto such a difficult subject.

Annie could see the strain making its way across Joan's face. In that one moment her boss looked so much older. Joan remained silent for so long that Annie wondered if she would ever speak. When she finally did, Joan kept her eyes down and her hands clasped tightly enough to turn her knuckles white.

"I was forced to take out my own asset, someone I had turned, cultivated, and built a relationship with for years. What I hadn't noticed was that he didn't exactly have a monogamous relationship, so to speak, with me and our agency. He double crossed us and had nearly half of my team killed before I realized what was going on. At that point I didn't have a choice even though I still couldn't believe he had betrayed me. After all those years of working together and…"

Joan shook her head and took a deep breath. The betrayal still hurt, even after all these years. It was a pain she accepted would never completely disappear. She glanced up briefly to see Annie across from her, elbow on the couch armrest, chin in her hand, clearly intrigued by the story.

"We finally caught up to him and the moment came for me to take him out, but I wanted to try talking him down one more time. At the time I thought there might be a way to fix things, that our years of knowing each other would count for something and we could rebuild the bridges. It didn't work out that way. He attacked me, and I wasn't ready for it. It was honestly the last thing I'd expected him to do, and part of me still didn't want to hurt him."

A million questions bubbled to the forefront of Annie's mind, but she pushed them back down. Joan hadn't finished her story yet, and Annie needed to know how it ended.

"I don't remember much," Joan continued. "One minute we were in a brawl on the floor and the next I was in a hospital with Meg by my side. I had a concussion, cracked knuckles, broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and a gunshot wound. I also had my life, thanks to Meg. She killed my asset that day to save me.

I felt like a failure. Not only had our mission gone south, basically imploded really, but I was the reason it had happened. Somehow I had misread my own asset in the worst possible way. Everything that had happened was on my shoulders. On top of all that, I was grieving the loss of someone I had trusted. I'd been betrayed and hurt, but that didn't make losing him any easier.

I was prescribed narcotics for the injuries I sustained and became dependent. Even after my physical pain was long since gone, they still worked. Seth knew a guy who would refill my pills without asking any questions, and I was incredibly grateful. We ended up stationed together for a year and were high the whole time. This was all before Arthur and I were married of course. When we got sent stateside I realized how my decisions were ruining my career so I broke it off with Seth. But I kept doing drugs. They numbed the pain. I was so ashamed that I had made the mistakes I had made, that I had let myself get fooled and other people paid the price. Not only did the drugs make all of that nearly nonexistent, they made me feel invincible. I was better at the job than ever before, and I didn't have the pain, physical or mental, to hold me back. Right after I got back I met Arthur and a year later we were married. He found out about the drugs and was there for me when I detoxed and made sure I went to meetings. With his help I got clean."

Silence fell between them and then Annie hesitantly asked, "You said you detoxed twice. Why did you relapse?"

Joan placed her mug on the coffee table and wrapped her sweater tighter around herself.

"I relapsed a year ago, and I detoxed by myself in secret while you were on your way back from Russia. I'm sure you can put together the reasons based on what was happening at that time."

Annie's brow furrowed, and Joan felt tears begin to pool in the corners of her eyes. About the last thing Joan had expected to do when she woke up that morning was to work on step number nine. The timing was right though, and she had to keep going. She could make amends to Annie.

"Annie, I… I blacked out one morning before coming in to work. By the time I came around and got in to Langley I'd already missed key meetings where they discussed ways to rescue you from Russia. I should have been there, helping. When I realized that I had let you down and could have lost you due to my absence, I knew I had to stop the pills. You needed me at the top of my game. It was soon after that that Arthur told me he would be sleeping at the Mayflower Hotel for a few days until everything blew over. He was so swamped he didn't notice what was going on with me, so I went home, dumped my stash and detoxed. By myself. It was scary. I don't remember much, but watching you I realized how lucky I am to have survived it and how dumb I was to not tell my husband. He would've been disappointed, yes, but he would've been there for me." She looked up to meet Annie's eyes firmly before continuing. "Shame isolates people Annie, and I don't want you to let it isolate you. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I'm sorry I didn't address the signs earlier even though I knew what was happening."

Annie put her empty mug on the coffee table and shook her head before interrupting, "No, I'm sorry I caused you so much stress you relapsed and I'm sorry you had to deal with me detoxing. I knew I was addicted but I was too afraid to stop. I wish I could go back and change that."

She would have given just about anything to change it. Joan gave her an understanding nod.

"But we can't change the past so here we are. You are clean now, and that's what matters. We need a game plan to keep you that way."

Annie bit her lip and rubbed her thumb nervously along the seam of her pants. Joan had just revealed her innermost secrets to try and help Annie. Now Annie desperately wanted to do the same, but she wasn't sure how to get the words out. There was a large possibility that Joan would be even more disappointed in her after this.

"Joan, I need to tell you something too. Please don't be mad at me."

"Annie, I very much doubt there is anything you could tell me at this moment that would make me mad at you."

Annie nodded but couldn't help feeling sick at the mere thought of revealing the truth to Joan. She swallowed down the feeling as best she could.

"It's about when I was in New York on this last mission."

Her words came out stumbling at first, and she had trouble going on from there. Joan waited for a few beats but when Annie still didn't continue she spoke up to try and reassure the younger woman.

"Annie, it's okay."

Again Annie's head bobbed in a jerky nod.

"After I'd screwed up and been caught, _again_, everything felt like it was falling apart. I was running from State and I couldn't keep it together. It reminded me too much of when I was hunting Henry. Even after I knew I was safe I couldn't calm down and think straight. My mind kept going in a million directions and I was so worried about what you and Calder were going to say. I needed to be able to function and popping a pill wasn't going to cut it, so I… I tried a different method. One that would work faster and stronger."

Annie unconsciously rubbed at her thigh where she'd slammed the needle home in her panic induced state. Joan noticed the action and put two and two together. Her eyes closed momentarily as she processed that and fought back her own pain. Annie took that to mean Joan was fighting back her anger and disappointment and she curled in on herself.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Annie almost sobbed.

Joan's eyes snapped open, and she stared at Annie in surprise. She didn't blame the young woman at all, though Annie seemed to think she did. Slowly she got up and crouched next to Annie's chair. She rested a reassuring hand on Annie's arm as she began to speak.

"I'm glad you told me, and it's okay. It's already over. Right now we have to focus on what comes next."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

What's next. Joan made it sound so simple, so possible, but on the car ride to Annie's apartment that phrase haunted her. Annie stared straight ahead at the road, partially fearing the expression on Joan's face and partially to keep her nausea at bay. The withdrawal symptoms had become more tame with each passing hour but the constant dull throb in the back of her head and the nausea broken by her stomach cramping were beginning to make her feel tired again despite the short amount of time she'd been awake. It was draining to carry all of that around. In just one day she realized it was an exhausting way to live.

A throb of pain sent Annie's head down to rest in her hand. Her thumb and pointer finger gently rubbing her temples.

"The headache will last a few more days, the cramping will come and go, but the nausea will probably be gone when you wake up tomorrow," Joan's quiet assurance echoed in the SUV.

It was both comforting and disturbing how well Joan could read her. Annie took a deep breath and sat up straight, resting her head on the headrest.

"How long will I feel so tired that I can't function?"

"That is just as much a psychological symptom as a physical one. Unfortunately it will take longer to subside."

Annie swallowed hard, unsure how to respond. Thankfully they pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex and Annie could redirect her brain power to the task at hand.

Dumping her stash.

Upstairs, Annie unlocked the door and tentatively stepped in. The disaster of the place was more than obvious. She instantly felt ashamed and wanted to push Joan out the door, but it was too late. The woman had seen it all.

"Sorry it's such a mess," Annie quietly apologized as her eyes swept over the clutter that the flat surfaces of her apartment had gathered in the weeks past. Glancing at her boss who had stepped into the middle of the living room she saw only compassion and concern. No judgment.

"It's not the mess I'm worried about," Joan assured her.

Annie watched the older blonde bend and reach down to pick something up off the coffee table. As she stood to full height, Annie saw what she was holding and felt like she would faint. Joan lifted the syringe and looked completely stunned.

"I'm more worried about this."

Her soft blue eyes bent in concern and sought to meet Annie's brown ones. Annie quickly looked away. She had already told Joan she'd shot up once, but that didn't mean it felt right for her boss to find another syringe just sitting out on her table.

Speaking in a calming voice Joan attempted to curb the girl's shame.

"I'm not going to lie and say I'm not disappointed in you. I am. But I'm not angry. I'm worried and I am sorry if my fear came across as anger or judgment at any point. I have no place to judge." Joan squeezed Annie's arm lightly and waited for Annie to meet her eyes. "This…" she said and held up the syringe, "is not what will define you. It won't determine your future unless you let it."

Annie nodded and took a deep breath. Walking into the kitchen, she opened the cabinet under the sink. Her fingers deftly found the package velcroed to the roof of the wooden cabinet. Removing it, she held the box out to Joan. Keeping eye contact, Joan took the box and opened it to find a pill bottle and more syringes.

Annie's shaky voice broke the silence.

"Jackson Colley."

Joan lifted her eyes to meet Annie's, her brow furrowed with confusion. The name didn't mean anything to her.

"He's my dealer," Annie added.

Joan nodded and lifted the pill bottle out of the box.

"I will deal with him."

After removing the cap she started the water in the sink and dumped the pills into the pipes where their potency would dissolve. Annie stood back and bit her lip. She wanted a new start, didn't want to detox again, but she feared what would happen when her thoughts became too much for her once more. How was she going to handle feeling all of the emotions and still survive? Already it didn't seem possible, and she'd only been clean for a few hours.

Joan took the syringes apart and spoke again to the stunned blonde standing behind her.

"Is this everything, Annie?"

Her question met with silence, she spun around to face her young operative, eyes drilling into Annie.

"Annie, is this everything?"

The girl nodded, her eyes bouncing from the floor to the containers on the counter but never meeting Joan's gaze.

Joan let out a disappointed sigh. She recognized a liar when she saw one. Walking across the kitchen she retrieved one container much to the dismay of the young woman standing across from her. A quick glance inside revealed only sugar, so Joan pulled another one from the counter. When she pulled the lid off of that one she found more than simply flour. Stepping back towards her horrified operative, she placed the porcelain pot in Annie's shaking hands.

"Ultimately, this has to be your decision. I cannot force you to change your life, but I will always offer you an opportunity and a path out of whatever mess you find yourself in. That's a promise."

The sincerity in Joan's voice gave Annie strength and confidence to finally meet Joan's gaze. She opened the pot and fished the bottle from the flour. This time she opened it herself and dumped it down the sink. Turning on the water she watched the liquid flow down, erasing the decisions that had led her to that point. A few moments later, Annie shut off the flow of water and planted her hands on either side of the sink. Her head hung low, she felt a sob threaten to surface. The gentle weight of Joan's hand on her shoulder gave the tears permission to fall. Annie mourned her losses until she was completely exhausted and utterly spent.

Joan led her to the couch and helped her settle down into the cushions. Reaching for a blanket thrown carelessly over the back of a nearby chair, Joan covered Annie and sat on the coffee table across from her.

"Annie, you need to sleep, and you need to clean…"

She waved her hand in a wide gesture that encompassed basically the entire apartment. Annie got the hint and shared a mutual snicker with Joan before the talk returned to a more serious tone.

"When you're ready, you need some form of professional and consistent help. I will be there to talk about what that might be if you need me. Take a few days leave. I will cover with Calder. When you're ready, you know where to find me. Just promise me we will never find ourselves here again."

Annie nodded weakly.

"I promise."

Exhaling quickly, Joan flattened her hands on her thighs and stood to her full height. As she turned to leave, Annie's small, weak voice stopped her.

"Joan…"

The older blonde turned and froze, almost waiting for Annie to tell her where another stash was hidden.

"I promise I will come in. Soon."

"I know, and I believe that you will keep that promise. Now go to sleep; I'm going to clean up a bit. Okay?"

Annie nodded and closed her eyes. Moments later Joan could tell she was already in a deep sleep. As quietly as possible, Joan gathered trash, folded clothes, and wiped down countertops. An hour after she had started, she snuck out the door as silently as she could. There was still a lot of work to be done in Annie's apartment, but at least she wouldn't wake up to such a colossal mess that it overwhelmed her.

Half an hour later, Joan pulled back into her driveway. The house was silent as she entered. It was late; Arthur and Mackenzie were in bed already.

Quietly she snuck into the nursery to see her son sleeping contently, peaceful in his crib. She rubbed her hand lightly over his soft head before heading towards her bedroom. Arthur sat on the bed reading, looking rather comfortable in his plaid pajama pants. When she entered he removed his glasses and set them and his book on the nightstand.

"How did it go?"

Joan sighed and kicked off her shoes before crawling into bed and laying her head on her husband's lap.

"Her stash is gone, and she's resting. I told her to come in when she was ready. I think I may have given her too much autonomy though."

"Annie is a smart girl, a stubborn girl, she will check in with you eventually. You forcing her would've done more harm than good."

Joan nodded. That was very true. A deadline could have forced Annie's hand and therefore her decision.

"Her dealer was Jackson Colley," Joan whispered.

Arthur pursed his lips and nodded.

"What are you going to do about him?"

Joan sat up and looked at her husband. A fierce light gleamed in her eyes.

"What am I going to do or what do I want to do?"

A smile flickered across Arthur's face. He rather enjoyed seeing her looking so righteously angry (as long as that anger wasn't directed at him of course). He cupped her face in his hand letting her lean on him.

"Either, although I am glad to know you're making a distinction."

"I have a friend in the FBI who would be more than happy to receive his name, location, and whatever evidence I can gather up to ensure his conviction."

Arthur let out a chuckle and kissed her forehead.

"Rossabi will be so excited to see you," he told her teasingly.

Joan grinned weakly and shook her head before sitting up a bit more so she could wiggle out of her dress. Instead of bothering to actually change, she simply settled under the covers. One of her hands still stayed firmly on Arthur's arm. She wasn't the one going through detox, but she still needed him. Arthur turned off the lamp, curled up beside her, and pulled her close.

"I'm proud of you, Joan. You and Annie."

Letting out a relieved sigh, Joan whispered, "I am too."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Ninety hours. That's how long it had been since Joan had seen or heard from Annie. After they had driven across town to Annie's flat to throw out her entire stash and Joan had been sure the apartment was clean, she had left Annie to herself. Annie would need time to think and process everything that had happened in the last few days. The decision to stay clean would ultimately have to be hers. Forced obedience would only last so long. Joan had considered checking in during that time to make sure Annie didn't fall back on old habits but had restrained herself. She hadn't even set up at time to meet with Annie again. Annie had promised to come in when she was ready to get help and deal with her problem. It didn't matter what method she chose, but until she got into some kind of counseling or support group Joan was not putting her back in the field or taking her off leave. No international crisis, no matter how serious, was worth putting Annie into a stressful situation that would make a relapse inevitable. Personally Joan was hoping Annie would decide to come to NA meetings. Secretly, she hoped Annie would let her be her sponsor. As much as she might want that and believe it was the best option, Annie had to decide for herself.

Ninety hours later, it seemed like a poor decision not to have some kind of backup plan in place for checking up on Annie again. Anxiety had been slowly building in the back of Joan's mind with every passing hour.

Calder was waiting in Joan's office when she arrived that morning, looking incredibly displeased and on the verge of irate. Joan barely made it through the door when he started his rant.

"I sent Annie to you a week ago, and she hasn't checked in with me since. Where the hell has she been? What the hell is going on?"

He had every right to be frustrated. He was in the dark, and his very unstable, unpredictable operative hadn't checked in for the past seven days. Not even with Auggie. He'd checked on that.

"She's taking a few days off under my orders," Joan answered placidly.

"A few days?" He nearly spat the words out at Joan who had taken a defensive stance behind her desk. Arms crossed, eyes narrow, every inch of her screamed "back off," but Calder wanted answers. "A few is one or two not an entire damn week. Do you even know where she is?"

Her silent glare in response told him she was definitely more aware than he was and simply unwilling to share. The creases on her forehead said she was worried though and maybe didn't know quite as much as she was letting on. The blonde woman looked away and let out a deep sigh.

"What are you hiding, Joan?"

Her eyes lifted to meet his coldly. Her warning was hidden deep and not visible on the surface, but Calder was a good enough operative himself to realize that if he pushed he would be starting a fight. Chances were he wouldn't win that fight either. His only option was to trust Joan to get him back his most experienced field operative.

"She's getting her head together."

"I see," he returned, a clear indication that he understood her unspoken order to leave this alone.

He gave Joan a curt nod and left her office. Joan watched him go and didn't leave the position she was standing in until he was out of sight. Once he was, she sank dejectedly into her chair.

Even though she'd told Calder to back off and not ask questions about Annie's absence, Joan was having a hard time following her own orders. She would give Annie a few more hours despite the unease building inside of her, but at 5 o'clock if Annie hadn't made contact, Joan was going to go find her. The possibility of a fatal relapse had crossed her mind, but Annie's repentance had seemed genuine. Annie's fear of who she was becoming had finally overwhelmed her fear of disappointing the people in her life, and Joan knew better than to believe Annie would give up so quickly. Annie might have been rebellious but she was also stubborn. If she'd decided she wanted to stay clean, she would.

Her thoughts were interrupted by her secretary's voice and head peeking in through the door.

"Joan, Annie Walker is here to see you."

Relief washed over Joan like a warm shower after being out in the frigid rain as she stood and nodded her head.

"Please send her in."

Annie walked in, the door clicking closed behind her. Dressed in a grey pencil skirt and red blouse, she looked sober and healthy; she looked like Annie.

Joan walked around the desk and gave the girl a quick, instinctive hug before pulling away and more closely examining her operative.

"You could've come in a few days ago. You had me worried."

Annie had to bite her lip to keep the smile off her face.

"I know and I'm sorry I worried you. But I'm fine. I promise."

Joan gave the girl a narrow eyed glare.

"What did you do for four days?"

Annie let out a breathy chuckle.

"Honestly, yesterday was the first day I felt normal. I guess with the aftereffects of detox, I was so weak I spent a lot of time on the couch..." Annie's eyes drifted from Joan's to the floor as she continued. "A lot of time remembering... Thinking…"

Joan took a deep breath.

"Annie..." Her eyes shot up to meet Joan's. "Come sit."

Joan nodded toward the arm chairs sitting in front of her desk. Once they were settled comfortably, Joan narrowed her eyes slightly at the young woman sitting across from her. Letting silence fill the room for a beat, Joan surveyed Annie's nonverbals. She still looked nervous, though she wasn't as jittery as she'd been the last time they'd sat in Joan's office and had a discussion. Her eyes were still evading Joan's, but at least they were clear. The silence stretched on, and realizing Annie wasn't going to talk until prompted, Joan spoke first.

"Do you want to read me in on what you're thinking?"

Annie shrugged and looked down at her hands, nervously twiddling her thumbs before taking a deep breath.

"Right now? That I should've taken another day to get my thoughts together."

She let out a soft chuckle and shook her head at herself. Joan tilted her head to the side and gave the girl a warm smile, trying to impart confidence to her operative. Annie straightened her posture and took a deep breath before beginning again.

"I spent a lot of time thinking, processing everything that had happened. It was painful leaving everything behind, painful to fail, painful to lose people I cared about. But, I realized I don't want to live like this. I can't. I don't want to be numb. I spent a lot of time debating if I could do this alone, deal with the pain alone, because I did for so long but... I know now that I can't do this alone. I'm trying to be okay with that, and I'm slowly getting there. I'm ready to start this process. Ready to take these steps."

Pride filled Joan as she looked at her operative. She nodded and responded, "Well, the first step is the hardest, and they don't really get any easier, but if you let me, I'll be there for you."

Annie heaved out a heavy sigh and nodded. At first the tension appeared to leave her body for a moment only to begin building again. Her shoulders seemed to lock back, and she kept clasping and unclasping her hands. Joan attempted to curb Annie's obvious discomfort.

"Annie, this is a safe place. Whatever it is, just say it."

Annie nodded quickly and gulped down a swallow before tentatively asking, "Do you still go to NA meetings?"

Joan nodded but stayed quiet, assuming Annie wasn't done with whatever she wanted to say.

"Does it help?"

Re-adjusting in her chair, Joan nodded and offered a brief explanation.

"Knowing you're not alone and that you have support helps, and being with people who have the same struggle as you, who won't judge you, in a way gives you permission to share and to heal."

Annie considered what she'd just been told for a moment before looking up at Joan uneasily. Asking her next question was going to be even harder and she found herself starting and stopping a few times before the words finally got out.

"If I… If I came would… would you…?"

"Be your sponsor?" Joan finished for her.

Annie nodded, poised for rejection.

Joan felt like all of the air had suddenly been sucked out of the room. For years she'd been questioning whether she'd created a strong enough bond with Annie to have the younger woman truly trust her and rely on her. After the mess with Lena it seemed they would never get on the same page. Luckily, the wedge Henry drove between everyone on Joan's team only forced Annie and Joan to work for the same goals, be a part of the same team. In that time of desperation, mutual trust and respect had finally settled in. Reveling in the fact she had finally reached Annie in her dark place, Joan nearly forgot about the question hanging in the air. Seeing Annie's shoulders droop in defeat, she quickly rectified the error and completed her statement.

"Of course I will."

Annie looked just as relieved as Joan felt, so she decided to push further.

"I have an NA meeting today during lunch. Offsite. After everything with Henry last year, I feel safer meeting away from Langley. Why don't you come along?"

"Offsite?" Annie asked suspiciously. When Joan nodded in confirmation, Annie bobbed her head in agreement. "That would probably be best. There have been enough people watching me as I walk through the halls since I went dark. I think they expect me to blow the place up or something. I don't want to give anybody else a reason to do that. Or more of a reason."

"Good. I'll come get you in an hour and we will go to lunch. Now go check in with Calder. He has been worried about you too."

Annie shook her head and chuckled.

"Okay. So, I'm officially no longer on forced leave?"

Joan stood and shook her head.

"No, you're back."

Annie let a grin curve her mouth upwards as she stood and headed toward the door. Stopping before she opened it, she whipped her long blonde hair around and faced her boss.

"Thank you, Joan. For... everything."

Joan simply nodded in response, and Annie quickly left the room.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Lunch was a subdued affair. Annie knew what was coming and wasn't in the best frame of mind to engage in a conversation. After a few weak and failed attempts at starting one Joan simply let the silence continue. There would be plenty of time to talk between now and their trip back to Langley. Joan knew what was weighing so heavily on her operative and nothing she said right now would make this any easier. They finished their meals, and Joan was just about to pay when Annie shoved her chair backward and stood up.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," she said in a rush.

"Alright. I'll be here."

Joan had barely finished her sentence before Annie turned and began weaving through the tables toward the back corner of the restaurant.

When she reached the bathroom Annie stepped into the stall in the back and locked the door behind her. She pressed her back to the closed door and squeezed her eyes shut. Earlier that morning attending NA had seemed like such a simple solution, or at least a doable solution. The closer the time came to actually stepping into the meeting the harder the thought of it became. Annie wasn't sure she could do it anymore. She'd been to a support group before, but that had been because she was working Sana. Talking about Jai's death hadn't been totally easy, but she'd been able to keep some of the deepest hurt and feelings back. All she had to do was express enough to connect with Sana. Technically being there for work had been an excuse to modify and contain her emotions and what personal details she'd revealed. It had been a shield. When she didn't have to open up completely, it didn't hurt as much. She could stay protected.

That wouldn't work at NA. She had no excuses, no reasons for being there besides purely personal ones. There would be no way to pretend that what she was saying was a partial lie to get a job done. The thought of revealing her weaknesses and failures made Annie wrap her arms around herself and hold on tight. She really wasn't sure she could do this. No matter how much she knew she had to, actually walking into one of those meetings and _sharing things_ was a terrifying prospect.

The bathroom door opened, and Annie froze. She hadn't been making any kind of noise that would draw attention to her, but she wanted to be totally sure some random stranger wouldn't suddenly decide to investigate what was going on. Unfortunately for Annie the woman that had entered wasn't a random stranger. It was Joan. She'd grown concerned with how long Annie had been gone and decided to check on her.

"Annie?" Joan called softly.

Annie squeezed her eyes shut and her hands tightly into fists for a moment to prepare herself. When she released her hands and opened her eyes she flushed the toilet and stepped out of the stall.

"Yes?"

It didn't come out as strong and self-assured as she would have liked.

"It's alright to be nervous you know."

Annie's eyes flickered to the ground, and she busied herself with the task of washing her hands to keep up the fake proof that she'd actually come to use the bathroom. She'd been hoping to hide her nervousness from Joan, but apparently it hadn't been possible. Her boss had read her like a children's picture book. One of those easy ones with only three words on a page.

"I was nervous the first time I went too," Joan continued.

"Really?" Annie asked tentatively.

"Mmhm. Completely terrified." Joan shot the girl a compassionate smile and motioned for her to follow. "Now, come on. We don't want to be late."

Annie released a long, shaky breath, dried her hands, and nodded. Joan offered her a reassuring smile and held the door open. They didn't need to go far to the meeting location, so Joan left her car parked outside of the café and they walked the rest of the way. Annie's hands were in constant motion, rubbing at her arms, her thighs, clenching and releasing, fiddling with the edge of her shirt and her clutch, running her thumbs across her nails. Joan didn't try to stop Annie's expression of nervous energy. If doing all of that made her feel better it was fine. When they arrived she wouldn't be the only visibly nervous person either. Even a few people returning to the group weren't comfortable yet. That would come with time.

"How much farther?" Annie asked as they turned a corner.

"Two blocks."

Annie nodded and became even tenser. Her eyes suddenly darted around her, taking in the people nearby. The streets weren't crowded, but she and Joan definitely weren't alone. Anyone who wanted to listen in to a nearby conversation could do so without really needing to try. There would be no guarantee of privacy. Even so, Annie couldn't stop the need to ask her question. She simply worded it a bit differently than she would in a totally safe environment.

"Joan? How many times did you think about taking one the day after you did your cleaning?"

A flicker of a smile danced across Joan's face at Annie's spy talk. She made it sound like Joan was bleaching her floor and getting grease off her stove instead of detoxing from prescription painkillers. Joan let the smile fade and took a moment to truly consider the question, her head tipping to the side in thought. She was pretty sure she knew why Annie was asking, and she didn't want to give the younger woman a way to truly compare the numbers. If Annie had considered it a lot more than Joan had she could become discouraged even if she shouldn't be making comparisons in the first place. So, she settled on an answer that was true and would be open for interpretation.

"More than once."

Annie nodded, accepting the answer despite the vagueness, and took a deep breath.

"What did you do?"

"Reminded myself of some of the quotes we go over and then actually used them. There are a few that work well for me. We say pretty often that there's always another drugging in me, but there may not be another recovery in me. I know my own strengths and my limits in many things, Annie, but I don't want to test my limits on that one. The other one that helps me a lot is if I get the urge to pick up, I pray to God it's the phone I pick."

"The phone?" Genuinely confused, Annie continued walking beside her boss but turned her eyes more toward Joan.

"To call my sponsor or Arthur. It's much easier to resist the temptation when you have a reminder that you're not alone." Her eyes flickered toward Annie meaningfully. "You should try it sometime. Part of this whole thing is that no one is judgmental. We've all been there."

Joan pulled open the door of a meeting hall and motioned Annie in. With nowhere else to go, Annie did as she was asked. The long hallway in front of her looked never ending, and she struggled to continue forward when Joan started down it.

When Annie finally caught up, Joan whispered softly to her, "It's up to you how much you want to say and if you want to use your real name. I can introduce you if that would make you feel more comfortable. Just let me know."

Annie nodded and followed Joan into the room, her eyes immediately scanning around. It wasn't a huge group, but already she was intimidated. She stopped for a moment in the doorway, not realizing that Joan had continued to find a seat. Her boss had to come back and gently touch her arm to pull her back to reality. Annie sat down next to Joan, clenched her hands between her knees, and looked down.

She was so nervous that her ears were filled with white noise and she barely even heard the meeting begin. When the chorus of "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" ended and introductions began Annie still wasn't paying much attention. She only snapped back into the moment when she heard Joan say her own name. Annie was the next one to go and all she could do was stare around her in a panic. She hadn't even thought about whether she wanted to speak. Her breathing sped up and she felt her vision going black around the edges.

Joan saw it all happening and quickly stepped in, saving Annie from her terrified indecision.

"This is Annalise," Joan said into the silence. "She's a close family friend and has been around my family long enough to know about my challenges. She wants help for her own addiction and agreed to come with me today on the condition that she wouldn't have to participate verbally yet."

The quickly concocted story that was perfectly plausible and covered all possible loose ends was a tribute to Joan's ability as a spy. Annie caught on and bobbed her head in confirmation, hoping that would be enough for everyone else in the room. It worked and the group moved on to the rest of the introductions. Once they were a few people down from her and she was sure the attention was directed elsewhere Annie shot a questioning look at Joan and mouthed, "Annalise?" The name had seriously caught her by surprise, but knowing Joan, it had to have been chosen for a reason.

"Think about it," Joan whispered almost silently.

Annie frowned but did as she was asked. It took a moment or two before a possible answer clicked.

"Annie…" she said with the volume of a breath of wind.

Joan heard it though and smiled. It was all the confirmation Annie needed. If at any point she felt safe enough to use her real name, Joan's made up cover story would still work. "Annie" was a reasonable nickname for someone named Annalise. It was also a plausible cover story if Joan ever accidentally referred to her as Annie or if Annie did so herself. A slight grin found its way to the corners of Annie's mouth. Her boss really was looking after her. Hope began to bloom in the core of Annie's being. Knowing Joan believed in her, knowing she wasn't alone, began to displace the frightening vulnerability in her and replaced it with a peaceful confidence. This was a safe place. Maybe, just maybe, she could actually do this.

* * *

_Authors' Note: Well, that's it! Just in time for all of us to watch the season premiere tonight! We're both glad you all seemed to like this story._


End file.
